Some people think that fair and equal are the same thing. You may be one of those people. If you are, I respectfully disagree.
I respect your position. You may aim for a world which I think is unattainable. Here are a few of my core beliefs.
* Life is not fair.
*I treat people the way I want to be treated.
* All human life matters and every human soul has value.
* People do not have equal gifts, intelligence, or talents. It is beyond my capacity to change that reality.
* We do what we do because we believe what we believe.
Trust attorneys have a saying, “fair is not equal, and equal is not fair.” Collectively they have worked with thousands of (imperfect) families for decades. They and their clients struggle with problems like this.
John is close to 90, has three children and is a widow. His wife passed a year ago and now John is contemplating how to divide his estate among his three children. He thinks he will give each child the same amount.
Is that fair? Perhaps, but you probably want to know more. Here’s a bit about each child.
The middle- aged oldest daughter rendered a disproportionate amount of the care for mom in mom’s last months. She sacrificed time with her husband, kids, and her job. She took care of mom’s physical needs and both women got past those embarrassing times. She was mom’s chauffeur et al. She and her husband have three children.
The middle child is a daughter who lives in another state, hundreds of miles away. She couldn’t visit during mom’s last months. She’s divorced, with six children.
The youngest child is a son. He kept the family business afloat by working 60-80-hours per week and by refinancing his home. He sent checks to support mom and his sister. His sacrifice of time, convenience and ego were distinct from his sister. He was with mom a tenth the time of his older sister.
If John were your friend, how would you counsel him to divide his estate? How would you deal with the tension between fair vs equal?
Your choices are based on your values. Our time of influence is fleeting. We won’t be alive in 100 years. We create our legacy by what we do every day. Sometimes we choose wisely and act adroitly. Other times we fumble or blunder.
You probably care deeply about several people. You intend to beneficially influence them for the long term.
How do you deal with fair versus equal? Have you or will you talk with your kids about how and why you intend to allocate your estate among them?
How do you model the challenges of fair versus equal?
-o0o-
Terry Moore, CCIM, is the author of Building Legacy Wealth: How to Build Wealth and Live a Life Worth Imitating. Read his “Welcome to My Blog.”
??? is the son so incompetent in running the bus. that HE must barrow $ to help his parents?
or is this all a fiction?
Is the oldest, good hearted daugher able to carry on the parent’s businiss?
Will the distant middle child, find a way to carry one her parents inheridance from a distance?
Real additions
Some people think that fair and equal are the same thing. You may be one of those people. If you are, I respectfully disagree completely. I respect your position. You may aim for a world which I think is unattainable. Here are a few of my core beliefs.
* Life is not fair, but my challenge is to treat people the way I want to be treated.
* All human life matters and every human soul has value.
* People do not have equal gifts, intelligence, or talents. It is beyond my capacity to change that reality.
* We do what we do because we believe what we believe.
Trust attorneys have a saying “Fair is not equal, and equal is not fair.” Collectively they have worked with thousands of (imperfect) families for decades. They and their clients struggle with problems like this.
John is close to 90. He and his wife had three children. She passed a year ago and now John is contemplating how to divide his estate among the children. He wonders if it is fair to give each child the same amount.
Is that fair? Perhaps, but you probably want to know more. Here’s a bit about each child.
The middle-aged oldest daughter rendered a disproportionate amount of care for mom in mom’s last months. She sacrificed time with her husband and kids, her job. She selected, coached, corrected, encouraged, and fired heath care workers. She was mom’s chauffeur et al. She took care of mom’s physical needs and both women got past those embarrassing times. She and her husband have three children. She however intelligent and good-hearted has not set or fallowed any goal for self-improvements.
The middle child is a who daughter lives in another state, hundreds of miles away. She couldn’t visit during mom’s last months. Her constant desire is to be admired. For that, she works very hard but because she has always put the “cart before the horse” she is always in need of more $. She has denigrated her immediate family because they did not possess the qualities she thought the “arrived” have. She is divorced, with six children.
John’s son is the youngest child. He hates to deals with details needed to build any base. Because he lacks the “bases” the details he becomes overwhelmed by details. Consequently, he constantly postpones resolute actions, is does not use his great intelligence. he is elapsing many great deals, as well as growth opportunities and peace within himself and others.
He soothes his ego with petty arguments. He tries to keep the family business afloat with 60- 80-hour weeks and by refinancing his home. He sent checks to support his mom and his sister. His sacrifice of time, convenience, and ego were distinct from his sister. He was with mom a tenth of the time of his older sister.
If John were your friend, how would you counsel him to divide his estate? How would you deal with the tension between fair vs equal?
Your choices are based on your values. Our time of influence is fleeting. We won’t be alive in 100 years. We create our legacy with what we do every day. Sometimes we choose wisely and act adroitly. Other times we fumble or blunder.
You probably care deeply about several people. You intend to beneficially influence them for the long term.
How do you deal with fair versus equal? Have you or will you talk with your kids about how and why you intend to allocate your estate among them?
How do you model the challenges of fair versus equal?
Since this is an era when many people are concerned about “fairness” and “equality,” what is your “fair share” of what someone else has worked for?
We professionals sometimes think of wills and trusts as business documents without recognizing that survivors also may view these as the very last communications received from that decedent.
There’s wisdom behind the old saying ( “Avise le fin” ), which I take to mean “consider the consequences”. I have known people inexplicably disinherited or partially excluded and the consequences to those people and that person’s family were not good.
In addition to considering each child‘s contribution to
the family, or each child’s
needs, or some other criteria, It’s important to consider how the children were raised and how they will view what might seem like an unusual deathbed decision.
Some who were trained to be judged on individual merits (and accept that their siblings don’t always
tell parents the whole story about another’s merits) may be deeply wounded when the parent’s final decision does not line up with what that child knows to be true.
On the other hand, if the kids have been raised with a potentially ”unfair”system (like “equal Is fair”) that they have learned implement fairly (perhaps by reinterpreting it to
mean “one for all and all for one”) then it may be wrong to change messages without a full In-person communication.
Sometimes it’s better to trust the children with what they’ve learned to implement successfully and do more communication while one is alive.