A generation ago I was frustrated about an inconvenient, unchangeable truth. I stormed out indignantly. My emotional response delayed our financial independence by at least a decade.
Recently a client was frustrated about the same inconvenient, unchangeable truth. He was mad as hell and couldn’t take it anymore. His feelings made perfect sense to me. I should have been able to help learn from my mistake, but I didn’t.
When we hung up, he was mad at me for being an insensitive SOB. Contrary to his perception, his feelings made sense. I really wanted what was best for him. Unfortunately, my clumsy communication rubbed salt in his wound.
The worst part of it was that I knew, but didn’t use, more sensitive and effective communication tools. I hope you never been in that spot, that you have no clue what I’m describing.
Several times a year I encounter people who’ve worked themselves into an emotional fire storm, over an inconvenient or unfair or unchangeable truth. Or sometimes they’re deeply offended by a perceived, but not necessarily real or intended insult.
More than once, I have responded with the sensitivity of a drill sergeant. “Life is hard, unfair. We only get success when we accept the unchangeable or ignore the perceived insult. Suck it up and let’s get on with it.”
Amazingly enough, that’s not always the most effective way to deal with the smart or intense person who is in a bad state. Having empathy is not enough.
Conveying empathy so that your communication partner hears, feels, and knows that you get how they feel – That’s what matters. Even if I had the perfect answer, if the other person is emotionally distracted, he or she will not hear that once-in-a-lifetime brilliancy.
The client might’ve gone away mad if I done a better job, but he wouldn’t have gone away mad at me. More effective might’ve been something like, “It sounds like you’re quite upset with what the other side expressed. Perhaps you feel like they’re being unfair or unreasonable or rude. Is that close to the way it seems?”
Active listening, summarizing the other person’s perception would be a good start. If my client recognized he was understood, I would have had a chance to explain how to make good of the situation.
I’ve taught active listening and I’ve tried to practice active listening. Unfortunately, active listening is not yet my unfailingly automatic response to someone in an emotional firestorm. I’m still learning.
There are many inconvenient truths. Life is often unfair. Some people are lazy, mean, or stupid. Sometimes we get lied to. The deal maker’s challenge is to help clients win, ethically, when it is in their best interest, regardless of the other side’s behavior. I still have work to do.
I’d love to hear from you. What important skill are you working to master?
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Terry Moore, CCIM, is the author of Building Legacy Wealth: How to Build Wealth and Live a Life Worth Imitating. Read his “Welcome to My Blog.”