“To what end?” My friend, Ian, smiled, looking over his eggs Benedict.
There was close to a minute of silence. Do you have any idea how long a minute of silence is?
“To what end?” my buddy asked again.
That breakfast was one of our most profound conversations in the last generation. I was describing my latest project, writing Building Legacy Wealth. The endeavor cost 1,000 hours of my time and several thousand dollars, with no guarantee of a financial return. Answering his question revealed a deeper motivation needed to achieve the objective.
Maybe you have been in a similar situation. You have a new goal, a big project, a spark of an idea you’re excited about. You share it with friends or family.
The feedback is usually predictable. You get polite affirmations, a few questions about overcoming obstacles, perhaps a catalog of risks. You might endure a long, rambling story about how they did something similar. Some people ask “Why?” when they disagree with your plan.
You appreciate the support, but those conversations rarely elicit a moment of silence like the one I was experiencing. The questions are often thoughtful and usually focus on the project’s technical issues. They’re not “heart” questions.
Heart Questions
My young friend asked what I call a “heart” question. He wanted to know, and more importantly, he wanted me to think about my motivation. The question was deft and sincere. Our trust level merited a deeper response.
My friend Ian started out as a protégé a generation earlier. He reminded me a lot of how I was at the same age. He’s become very successful in real estate investing, and our original relationship has grown into a deep, trusting friendship between men who seek excellence in our craft. We have breakfast once a month to sharpen and bless each other.
Over the years, Ian earned the right to ask that heart question. Hundreds of thoughtful acts and conversations showed he had my best interests at heart. That’s why I trusted him and why I thought deeply about his question.
What makes a heart question a heart question isn’t the question itself. That’s just another form of “Why?” It becomes a heart question when you ponder it and look deep inside for the answer.
Ask Good Questions for Better Results
Skilled mentors and coaches ask many questions. That’s good. Well-designed questions are far more helpful or effective than advice when it comes to investigating purpose or changing behavior. That’s because questions trigger “self-persuasion.” Many of us think by talking. People assemble arguments in their own minds. Occasionally, the answers surprise the speaker.
Ask open-ended questions, the kind that can’t be answered with a simple “yes “or “no.” Ask about the motivation or the goal. “Why?” questions shut some people down. Learn to use prompts like “Say some more about that…” or “How did that happen?” After you ask a question or prompt a response, be quiet. Give your conversation partner the time to ponder and respond.
Build Strong Relationships to Generate Heart Questions
It was our relationship that turned Ian’s probing question into a heart question. It’s the relationship that makes heart questions special and invites the other person to go deeper.
Developing relationships with people you trust and care for, and who trust and care for you, won’t happen quickly. When your relationship has ripened, you’re ready to ask and answer heart questions about purpose, intent, and importance.
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How have you responded when someone asked you a heart question?
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Terry Moore, CCIM, is the author of Building Legacy Wealth: How to Build Wealth and Live a Life Worth Imitating. Read his “Welcome to My Blog.”